I’m afraid of conflict. I’m afraid not in a heebie-jeebies way or a stage fright way. It’s more like a bleakly and hopelessly watching the world end kind of fear. When presented with the opportunity to participate in interpersonal conflict the part of me that feels the deepest down inside of me cries out, “This will be the end of everything good.” That part of me is convinced that I will so deeply injure the other person that not only will our relationship end, but they will be marked permanently by this negative encounter. For example: the opportunity to have a hard conversation with a friend, struggling through something difficult with my wife, or the opportunity to fight for something I value at work. I fear that this part of me could be viewed as a jerk.
However, I have learned that this part of me is ALWAYS wrong. I have learned that the flip-side of being conflict averse is that when I stumble into conflict, I am a very good listener who doesn’t escalate conflict. I have learned that even when a conversation with someone I care about doesn’t go well the relationship doesn’t end. Even crazier, at least to this anxious part of me, the intentional, honest conflicts I have initiated have made my relationships stronger. These conflicts have allowed me to learn more about myself and the person I have conflict with. Really digging into conflict, being honest about mutual hurt, leads toward healing.
I suspect I am not alone in being naturally anxious about conflict, and I know I am not alone in having knee jerk reactions to relational situations that I know aren’t doing me any favors. I also know recognizing those reactions is only the beginning of a journey that leads to us loving ourselves better and loving others better. I have learned that my fear of conflict goes way back. It has been handed down to me alongside handmade oak dressers and WWII medals. Crucially, I have learned that recognizing these patterns, expecting them, and planning to try something that doesn’t conform to the pattern has allowed me to grow in all the many kinds of relationships in my life.
This kind of growth is something that I am deeply passionate about and believe is central to being followers of Christ. Dealing with the relational baggage we carry around frees us up to be better co-workers, friends, spouses, parents and ultimately disciples of Jesus. I am thrilled that Kairos has embraced my passion to share some of what I have learned about developing healthy relationships. Below is information on a five-week class I will be facilitating on Sunday mornings (February 24-March 24). I hope you will join me in taking some intentional steps towards healthier relationships.
Ben Garrett
Unstuck: a focus on helping build healthier relationships and Family Systems
- Feb 24 – Intro to Life with Boundaries: Why We Need Gates
- Mar 3 – Homeostasis: We Are Still Fighting Yesterday’s War
- Mar 10 – Self-Differentiation: Getting Outside the System
- Mar 17 – Triangles: Everyone Wants A Savior.
- Mar 24 – The Extended Family Field